How to give a good music interview

After years spent reading music magazines, here is what I would say of my fictitious hipper-than-thou band in an interview.

1. The new album is it. Everything that came before it is crap with a capital C. (Until the next album. Then this one becomes crap too)

2. We had to let the drummer go because of musical differences but we are still firm friends. (Bullshit! He is an asshole and he stole my girlfriend)

3. We are getting back after breaking up 10 years ago because we feel that we still have things to say. (Our bank accounts are dry and the only person who bought the solo record is my grandma)

4. The new record producer is bitchin’ (The record company paid the guy a sum that would feed a small country for a year, so he better be bitchin’)

5. Drugs are bad for you. Just say no, kids! (I have stopped drugs but am now downing oceans of alcohol. Hey its legal, ok?)

6. We have decided to ditch all real instruments in the spirit of experimentation and gone electronica (We have run out of ideas and now depend on computers to write the songs)

7. We are never performing live. I am a sensitive artiste and cannot stand the bright lights. (After years of alcoholic abuse I am now so fat that I couldn’t be arsed to get off the couch. Besides I would probably get a coronary if I as much as lift a finger)

8. I am not doing it for the money. I still can’t afford my own apartment. (I am so hopeless in balancing a checkbook that my accountant swindled all our money)

9. Our breakup was totally amicable. (I broke my guitar over the head of the bassist)

10. I called the last interviewer after he left just to make sure that he got home alright. (Please please please write a good review of our new release!)


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