claustrophobia

ok as a followup to my last post; common sense begins to creep back in after a day off. i am currently stuck in my house of my own volition. still find the task of meeting others a scary thought. come monday i will have to do the unthinkable and venture onstage in the theater of life. how will others perceive me now? does it really matter? will people snigger behind my back? screw them! or don’t screw them?
began listening to music again. started with some instrumental rock crom a texas band ‘exposions in the sky’. particularly found their requeim to the KURSK submarine tragedy fitting under the circumstances.tried to imagine myself among the crew members literally buried in this over-sized coffin way below the ocean surface with absolutely no hope of ever getting out alive. the eerie silence save for the laboured breathing of your mates. imagine the thick smell of fear oozing out from the pores of every warm body onboard. the absolute sense of doom. there are no 2 things about it. you are going to die a horrible death.
the air begins to get heavier and your lungs begin to protest quietly at first and then make themselves more noticeable. everything getting tighter. your vision turns blurry and you cannot feel your head on your shoulders. the guy who was praying beside you just a few minutes ago slumps forward and crashes head first onto the steel floor with a loud clang which echoes in the cramped bunker. the effort of bending over and inspecting him is too much even to contemplate and you let it slide. a young boy sitting a few feet away is muttering something under his breathe as tears stream down his ashen face. from out of nowhere the unmistakable sound of guitars, layers upon layers of melodic chords emanating from the metallic walls. drums roll in and the monotonous throb of a bass guitar join the fray.
incredulity dissipates from your mind to be replaced with a rather inappropiate sense of calm. against every instinct of self-preservation you find yourself nodding to the rhythym. music soothes the beast. you close your eyes for what seems like an eternity. when you finally open them all the others are dead. only you now and the music.

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